Call yourself a vampire, mate?
by swampmonsterextraordinaire
Summary: Spike shows Edward how REAL vampires do it. Twilight parody. Very, very M rated for sex, non-con, language and violence. Spike/Edward.


Call yourself a vampire, mate?

"Your smell...it's intoxicating. I can't stand it, but I can't leave. I love you Ella." Edward tried to press his forehead against Ella, holding tight onto her arms as he did so.

"Get off you freak, what the hell! I'm not interested" Ella struggled against his arms.

"I'm made to kill, are you afraid?"

"Well yes, you creep, get the fuck away from me!"

"Ella, you're my true love, can't you see it? We're made for each other. Your blood is calling to me" Edward pulled her towards him, as a large, pale hand clapped him on the shoulder.

"'Scuse me sweetheart, is this ponce bothering you?" A well built, peroxide blonde man stood close behind Edward, who whipped round and fixed him with an apparently intimidating stare. The blonde man looked back with a mixture of incredulity and amusement. "Let go of the nice lady now, sonny" He said.

"I'm not your son. In fact I'm probably much older than you. But you wouldn't understand. Now leave us!"

The man laughed, and took a step back, reaching into his pocket to draw out a cigarette. As he lit it, he fixed Edward with a glare, which sent a shiver down his already cold spine. He released his grip on the poor girl's arms, and she stepped back to a safe distance.

"That's better son" Smiled the man, taking a long draw on his cigarette.

"I already told you, I'm not your son!" whined Edward, advancing towards the blonde man. The man immediately moved towards Edward, taking the sparkly idiot by surprise. He grinned at his expression; normally Edward had no problem intimidating his foes.

"How old do you think I am then mate?" asked the man, in his strong English accent. "20? 25? 30?"

"Something like that" Glowered Edward, his discomfort palpable as the man retained his uncomfortable lack of personal space. "Anyhow, you're not as old as me. No matter how I look" he looked away, and the man detected some kind of histrionic emotion brewing beneath his unshaven, scraggly exterior.

"I'm two hundred and fifty years old, mate" Smiled the man, taking a long draw on his cigarette as Edward looked back up at him. "Name's Spike. Heard of me?" Edward shook his head, a confused look on his face. "Didn't think so" said Spike, before lunging a punch at Edward and catching him square on his sizeable jaw. Edward fell backwards onto the ground, and looked up at Spike, who had surprise on his face. Staring at his fist, then back onto Edward sprawled on the ground; he asked "What are you?"

"I'm a vampire." Edward retorted, attempting a growl and a glare, as Spike burst out laughing.

"Call yourself a vampire, mate?" He chuckled, tossing his cigarette away and bending down to lift Edward by his lapels. "Never seen one like you before. Preying on innocent girls yes, of course, but telling them you love them? What the hell's that all about?" He laughed again "You've got some things to learn about bloodsucking, _son_." Kneeing Edward in the stomach and throwing him to the ground, "but I'm not going to be the one to teach you" kicking Edward in the stomach again, he dragged him into a corner of the shadowy old room they were in. Crouching down, and still maintaining his grip, Spike told Edward, "You see, that pretty girl you were trying to worm your way inside, I'm not sure she wanted you. Do you think she wanted you?"

"You heard me tell her, I _love _her!" He struggled against Spike's iron grip, trying to tear Spike's large hand off his clothes.

"But do you think she wanted you, sonny? That's what I'm asking. Why do you get to fuck her if she doesn't want you?" Edward was silent. Spike grinned, moving his face close to Edward's, so close he could feel Spike's words leave his lips. "Tell me, boy, do you want to fuck me?" He laughed at Edward's horrified face, as Spike reached out towards the other man's crotch, and squeezed, hard enough to cause him a little pain. Well, a lot of pain, but a hardcore being like a vampire should be able to stand it, no? Edward screamed in pain, which only served to add to Spike's smile, and his lust.

"Let's teach you a lesson, shall we? Might stop you trying it on with innocent girls maybe. Well even if it doesn't; still get my fun, won't I?" Spike let go of Edward's aching crotch, and moved his hand up to the waistband of his trousers. Ripping them down, tearing the fabric clean in two, Spike smiled as he realised he'd torn Edward's underwear too. 'Less work for me then' he thought. Edward struggled against Spike's grip, but it was solid, the whiney vampire couldn't escape the clutch, or the tearing hands, removing Edward's shirt and the rest of his trousers until he was completely naked. Spike pushed Edward flat against the floor, holding him at the neck, as he opened his black leather trousers at the fly. "No...no" whispered Edward, trying to push against Spike's hold, although admittedly not very hard.

Spike laughed coldly, "You don't sound too sure about resisting me mate...do you want this? Ha-ha, I knew it. You little whore"

"I don't" Edward grunted lowly, attempting to push against Spike's hand but only managing to buck his hips up towards Spike's open fly, and the hand still inside it, gripping his erection.

"Well, either way" Spike pulled his cock out of his trousers and moved his hips up towards Edward, spreading his insolent legs with his hand before pushing himself inside Edward "I don't particularly care". Edward screamed in pain again, higher pitched than last time, and Spike used his other hand to pin the other man's arms above his head. Spike rammed into Edward, again and again, causing the weak bitch to writhe in degrading pain and pleasure. Spike increased the speed of his fucking until Edward cried out Spike's name.

"I knew it, you love being fucked like this don't you, you disgusting, weak little slut" Spike growled into Edward's ear. Spike lifted his face away from Edward to lock eyes with the girl, Ella, still in the corner. One hand was jammed firmly inside her jeans, the other squeezing her breast, and she looked close to orgasm. The sight sent Spike over the edge and in a moment of sheer enlightenment, he pulled out of Edward and came onto his heaving chest.

"You're fucking worthless" Spike spat after a moment's pause; and he stood, straightening himself out, leaving with the girl following close behind. The door closed on the pathetic heap of unsatisfied, fully aroused vampire, alone with his degrading erection.


End file.
